I’ve become a grandfather.
My granddaughter Vera is a
month old. My wife and I are getting to know her by singing silly songs,
carrying her around, and watching her rapid development at this very young
moment.
Everyone who hears the news
congratulates me in a different way than new parents are congratulated. The
lives of new parents are forever transformed by new responsibilities. That’s
long ago in my past. This time, experienced grandparents tell me how much fun I
will have.
Connecting as a grandparent
has been transformed by social changes over the past few decades. The
increasing geographic mobility of American families means that many
grandparents live too far away for regular visits. But even though we were over
1000 miles away when she was born, we could see Vera every day via a video
chat. Keeping in contact with family across generations has never been easier.
Naturally new technology
brings new dilemmas. Coming from a generation where party lines were still
common and there was only one screen in a household, grandparents of my age are
likely to disapprove of young children carrying video games and movies around
in their pockets.
Social change creates the
potential for generational conflict centered on grandchildren. Grandparents
visit and then go away. We cuddle and sing songs and read books, but we don’t
take on the heavy daily duty of parenting. We follow the parents’ lead, help
rather than make big choices. We change diapers, but don’t decide whether cloth
or paper. We feed, but don’t pick out what baby eats. We don’t decide how to
decorate the nursery, whether or not to follow the traditional gendered color
choices for clothing, or how much screen time will be allowed. After each visit,
we go back to our own lives, eagerly anticipating the next visit.
One of the delights and
pitfalls of grandparenting is highlighted in a how-to produced by the Guardian
newspaper, called “10 ways to be a fabulous grandparent”. They advise: “stick to the parents’ rules when
you’re looking after the children … mostly.” Experienced grandparents often say
that “spoiling” the child is a great joy. The child soon learns that
grandparents often have license to allow forbidden things, like sweets or later
bedtimes. But differences in rules can bring conflicts with the parents. The
Guardian advises grandparents: “Accept that you have no control: The hardest thing
about parenting is being responsible for everything. And the hardest thing
about grandparenting is accepting that you’re not.”
The real fun of grandparents
is their difference, but that doesn’t have to include extra leniency. What I
treasured about visiting my grandparents were the new card games they taught
me, the exotic foods my grandmother prepared, the different conversations we
had, the strange magazines lying around, the unfamiliar TV programs they
watched.
Becoming a grandparent
changes familial relationships. A child becomes a parent, assuming
responsibilities and making decisions once reserved for the grandparent. Those
decisions inevitably become comments, positive or negative, on the
grandparent’s parenting. Some of these choices are socially determined by
evolving conventions of good parenting. Fathers in the delivery room and
breast-feeding are no long uncommon. Putting baby to sleep on her stomach under
a blanket is now taboo. These shifts can appear to represent rejection of the
grandparent’s child-rearing practices.
How one acts as a grandparent
is not entirely a matter of choice. Not all grandparents can afford to view
grandparenting as a series of fun visits. About 1 in 10 grandparents in the US live with their grandchildren. About 6% of children under 18
live with their grandparents and that percentage is dependent on race: 12% of African-American children live in grandparent-headed
households, but only 4% of white children.
Historical social shifts have
changed the relationships among generations. Rising divorce rates and
increasing numbers of families where both parents work encourage more regular grandparental
care for children. Economics play a key role. The recent depression increased by 20% the number of children mainly cared for by their grandparents.
Of the 20 million
pre-schoolers in the US, about a quarter were cared for regularly by their
grandparents, about a third of children under 2. Typically grandparents provide care when mothers are
employed full-time, and are more likely to jump in as caregivers for single
mothers in poverty.
Even when parents are capable
of taking care of children by themselves, grandparents are invaluable. A friend
told me that parenting is a humbling experience, placing young adults before
difficult decisions: should I feed now or later? should I let the baby cry
itself to sleep? which bit of contradictory advice from books, friends and
internet should I listen to? Grandparents don’t have all the answers, but we
can bring extra hands, patience and skill to the most important human task –
bringing up baby.
Vera doesn’t care about
conflicts between parents and grandparents over who makes the rules. She
doesn’t care about rules. Right now she single-mindedly seeks warmth and love
and a dry diaper. I can provide those.
That’s the best thing
grandparents can do.
Steve Hochstadt
Missoula, Montana
Published in the Jacksonville
Journal-Courier, November 7, 2017
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